Sunday, 29 March 2009

Pollen Pie?

Now I guess we've all heard talk of 'man mayonnaise' before, right? Previously, in more innocent days, i might've thought a verbalisation of this expression was simply the speaker utilising a smutty euphemism. Turns out some types have been mulling over that concept a bit more seriously. Tough economic times and everything eh?

Here's a brief extract from the blurb; "Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that."

A worthier cause I haven't heard all year! Anyone who's interested can buy a copy here.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Closer To Genius Than Ronald Mcdonald?

This week we bring you a brief biography of Mcdonalds' most talented ex-employee, singer-songwriter Daniel Johnston...

It has often been opined that Daniel Johnston's sweet soprano is something akin to a mewling Possum being barbarically ravished against its will; others claim he can barely play guitar. It would take a fool to argue, however, that what Daniel doesn't understand about love and life is probably not worth knowing. Relevant to our food blog what he doesn't know about flipping burgers is probably fairly superfluous too.

Despite being hailed as a true original by acts like Sonic Youth and Yo La Tengo he still stuck at his day job with Mcdonalds throughout the eighties - this time was also peppered by spells in mental institutions caused by his lifelong struggle with bipolar disorder. Rumour has it he used to slip a demo tape on any pretty girl's tray - a lot better than fries with that, right?

Other enlightening stories concerning Daniel include the fact that during one of his spells in mental hospital he requested his manager to enquire about the possibilities of collaborating with Yoko Ono. Concurrently he also penned a song about the Mountain Dew soft drink (under the Pepsi conglomerate), offered his services as spokesman and claimed that it was his love of Mountain Dew that had left him institutionalised.

To introduce you to his work we've included an MP3 - Daniel wrote this jaunty toon about his time working under the Golden Arches. It's no classic so you might be better off having a listen to this old favourite, True Love Will Find You In The End...

Thursday, 12 March 2009

A bad excuse to put up a picture of Audrey Hepburn...

I wanted to ask my wife her honest view on sexist jokes....
but she was too busy doing the cooking,
Er, sexist jokes aren't funny, at least not that one. Sorry Audrey.

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Boiled as an Owl,

'Trolleyed', 'Boiled as an Owl', 'Sauced' and 'Shitfaced' are all common words for being intoxicated. Most decent, upstanding sorts keep the right side of the law and stick to imbibing alcoholic concoctions for their kicks, however we'd like to draw the worthy attention of you, our comely readers, to herbal teas.

Long have slogans such as "activating the body and strengthening the mind" been touted on the boxes of herbal teas. Some even make such rash promises as "a healthy and natural pleasure is guaranteed". We decided to see if it's possible to get muntered from a standard, off the supermarket shelf, herbal tea...

Starting the night slowly with a nice Twinings camomile tea proved to have little effect, so we soon switched to what we thought was the hard stuff, Tesco's own brand invigorating tea! Most of the people i live with will tell you that this tea smells a lot like old man's piss. These are the kinds of sacrifices we make.

Previously I would have imagined that if a parallel was to be drawn between the veritable smorgasbord of herbal teas on sale and the vast spectrum of illegals, this tasty tea would doubtlessly draw lateral comparisons with crystal meth. However after five cups I found myself let down and uninvigorated.

No matter how much tea was drunk, (and even if like a greedy boggle eyed raver two tea bags were "double dropped" into the same cup) no effect other than a full bladder was noted. Roobash.

Peanut Butter Pasta

To some folks peanut butter pasta is a dish as delectable as foie gras from a particularly persistently force-fed goose or perhaps even a tenderly steamed lobster.

Myself, I'd like to meet every single one of these people and give them a sloppy kiss, but sadly they're extremely few and very far between...Without a shadow of a doubt peanut butter pasta would be my death row meal, my wedding meal and if i was Jewish (and it didn't contain pig meat..) the main feature of my Bar Mitzvah buffet.

Aside from these superlatives I would also like to note that the dish in question is a great barometer for potential sweethearts, i.e. if they don't love it, could you ever really love them? I've come to the recent conclusion it's questionable.

Firstly and most importantly I would recommend choosing your pasta in much the same way that the blonde lady in Kill Bill hunts down her samurai sword - it's pretty important. I favour wholewheat penne. Another important decision is whether you'd like the humble version, involving spam, or a slightly healthier version featuring ham. If you're going with spam it's best to fry it up first, if ham just chuck it in with the peas.

After this crucial meditation you should get the sauce base up and running. Essentially just empty a tin of chopped tomatoes into a saucepan on mid-heat and add a couple of big spoons of peanut butter (always, always, extra crunchy...) it's better to put too much peanut butter in than too little. If you're feeling posh add some herbs - thyme's good! And if you're feeling athletic add some peas, it's best to do this when the sauce goes a sort of orange-y brown...

When everything's done just dollop the sauce onto a mound of pasta. Toothsome!