Tuesday, 20 March 2007

An Interview With a Food Facist

This man claims to be a culinary genius, he has extremely strongly held beliefs about all aspects of food. Lamb? 'too fatty', Bananas? 'disgusting', Pears? 'what's wrong with the skin', Granary Bread? 'the texture's all wrong'. We aim to expose his dark heart.

In three words describe yourself?
Egg Fried Rice!

Favourite nosh?
egg fried rice.

Culinary pet hates?
Vegetables - I like organic vegetables! Which is why i don't usually buy them. I don't know where any good food markets are round here. I don't buy from supermarkets it's just not good quality.

What would you define as good quality my boy?
Good quality is nicely ripened. Good flavour. Seasonal. Not flown in from feckin India where it's hot all the time. Good quality food!

Have you heard of master-chef Jeremy La Varara-Medlock-Smith?
He was on the Louis Theroux special last week right?

If you could only have a fork, a knife or a spoon, which would you choose?
A spork?
Sorry not allowed...
Well a knife then. Clearly. A weapon and an eating implement. I could literally kill two birds with one stone.
(followed by manic laughter)

Finally, would you say 'no' to a baby seal pancake?
On principle I would. Yes definitely. I am, however, a bit of a food tourist and as they say, when in Rome, or in this case Toronto do as the Canooks would. A baby seal pancake is satisfying, filling and healthy! Especially if you've seen it's poor clubbed brain splatter onto your shoe. Revenge is sweet. Yes Yes.

Thanks for your time and questionable views food facist, goodbye!

Disclaimer, at the very most 10% of this interview was actually said in real life and not in my head...

Old Skool Pork Chops with Apply Sauce

Eazy, we iz takin it Pork Chops.
Back to the Old Skool. Revisiting times gone past. Like our mama used to make back in da Bronx, respect.

We pimped some police meat from the mall.
Was asking what our bro behind the meat counter was packing, and checking and wreckin' his recommendation we went with the pig. We also some got some phat apples, and the king of all subterranean vegetation (potatoes), word up to the tuba crew!

Whilst we was workin on the potatoes, ma homie got on tha grind with the apple sauce. Apples was peeled and sauced with cinnamon, Bling Bling. Courgette were lightly cooked like the bones of our enemies. The pork was grilled, everything was sorted, on da plate, word...

written by guest writer
Jeremy La Varara-Medlock-Smith

Saturday, 10 March 2007

Guinness Marmite, What's the point?

Guinness Marmite is hard to get hold of. That much is true. If you’re not paying upwards of 6 quid on ebay for it, you probably know something we don’t.
But is it a gimmick? Is it just the evil capitalists at Marmite cashing in on a pure and beautiful, and until now unspoilt holiday (St Patrick’s day)? Or is it a worthwhile addition to the Marmite family? We aimed to discover the truth, with two detailed scientific experiments…

Test One – Appearance




We perused both Guinness Marmite and Original Marmite, looking for differences in characteristics such as viscosity and colour.


Well, Guinness Marmite definitely seemed a different consistency to Original. It was way runnier…

Test Two – Taste




One plain slice of white bread was toasted for precisely 60 seconds, immediately margarine was spread upon the bread, followed by a thin coating of Marmite


Guinness Marmite again this time seemed markedly different. Whilst being smoother, it was also creamier, and could perhaps be said to have a subtler flavour. So there it is, Guinness Marmite ain't no gimmick.